Kicked out of “The Happiest Place on Earth”
I just ordered Swollen Appetite from Bookshop.org yesterday and I'm so looking forward to reading it. I heard Sandra read excerpts from her book at the Launch Party in July, and that prompted me to send her the following message the next day:
"Sandra - thanks for sharing bits of your life last night. Ha! I'll be purchasing your memoir... as I grew up here in the nineties as well... I drank a ton...ouch! I remember (or vaguely remember) driving my tiny Opal Gt on the walking paths in Golden Gate Park...on MDMA. At any rate I appreciate your candor. Helps you, and helps others.”
I have many tales to tell about growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area in the nineties, but I wrote this piece after going to the Launch Party. It takes place in SoCal my first year in college where I lasted 2 years before coming back to SF.
Flashback #476
Kicked out of “The Happiest Place on Earth” - 1980
I took a trip to Disneyland with three of my UCSD Dorm Mateys in 1980. How we smuggled in that rum (Bacardi 151) I am not sure, but I don’t think Security was that rigid in the eighties. But I am sure the Disneyland Security was on “High Alert” and tracking our rum-bunctious antics shortly after we cracked open that bottle. We bought our $9.25 ticket books and then purchased official Disneyland Pirate hats near the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride and had our names stitched onto them in famous Disneyland fashion. Four Pirate wenches with a bottle ‘o rum let loose in “The Happiest Place on Earth”? Batten down the hatches.
And yes, the Disneyland Security Officers and of course Goofy were on our ‘scent’ from the get go. We left a trail of pungent rum scent wherever we roamed. But even despite our scent, us Pirate wenches would have stood out like a peg-leg.
Our time in “The Happiest Place on Earth” was about to end shortly after we arrived at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Cup Party ride in Fantasyland. I remember I gave the ticket-taker my ride ticket in a most unconventional manner. I ripped the E ticket (the most expensive ticket at 85 cents) out of my ticket book and stuck the tip of the ticket on my rum-drenched tongue. I then stuck my tongue out at the hesitant ticket-taker. He removed the slightly damp rum smelling E ticket off my tongue, and let me run carefree to one of the empty, soon to be light-speed twirling and spinning out-of-control tea cups. I think he knew this was gonna be my “last ride”.
But before that tea cup started to spin, me Mateys and myself took (another) shot o’rum. There is a manual control in the center of the tea cups and when you turn it, the tea cup spins faster. Us rum-fueled pirate wenches had that tea cup spinning high into the stratosphere! Our Pirate hats flew off our heads as we spun up into the sky! Peter Pan, Mary Poppins and Dumbo flew by. It was a crazy Mad Hatter Tea Party to die for!
When we came back down to earth we stumbled laughing out of that giant tea cup, a bit woozy, and were planning our next ride adventure, when to our surprise we noticed the subtle Disneyland Security Officers patiently waiting for us near the scowling ticket-taker (who had ratted us out no doubt). Aaaargh! Davy Jone’s locker for you! We were instructed to march single-file (Security-man in front of us, Security-man in back of us. Four Pirate wenches in the middle) through the Park to the Disneyland Jail. Could we have made a run for it? Probably, but for some reason these giggling captive tipsy Pirates chose to comply. We left the empty rum bottle in the tea cup like the good Pirates we were.
In the Disneyland Jail we were ordered to be quiet and sit on a couch below a giant framed photo of Mickey Mouse donning a blue police uniform complete with badge and police cap. Micky the Policemouse was waving two revolvers in the air. Mickey’s smile said it all, ’Do you feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"
The room was filled with crying kids who had shoplifted stuffed animals, and their irritated parents, and maybe there was a felon or two, or three as well. One by one us Pirate wenches were called into the “Judges” office. I thought I was gonna see Mickey the Policemouse! but it was just some mousey Disney employee. He did have a Mickey mouse cap on with mouse ears. The word “Judge” was embroidered on it. (OK maybe he was not wearing a cap.)
The Judge asked me for my ID. At least I had one! I pulled my ID from my wallet. My ID stated that I was over 21.The photo of the young woman on my ID had dark brown hair like me, but she was Japanese. Her last name was Higashi. I didn’t have my regular ID that day, I guess I had bought the rum? (And you gotta have a fake ID if you are underage to buy rum, even if you are a Pirate)
Miraculously that Judge took pity on us poor four Pirate lasses and we were escorted out of “The Happiest Place on Earth” single file thru the park again. We had been told by the Judge, “You are not allowed to come back” (That day? This lifetime?) I am still not sure.
We were silent as the giant iron gate slammed closed behind us, and then we paused for a moment, took a big breath and looked at each other…What? How could it be? Kicked out of “The Happiest Place on Earth”?
We almost cried… but instead, burst out laughing and started singing “Yo ho, yo ho a Pirate’s life for me”.
Schatzi the Renegade Deli Heiress is a Bay Area artist , musician, and writer whose work is one of a kind — I’m partial to her 20 years of hearts and donut photography!
